11 Completely Obnoxious Things People Think it’s Fine to Say

Next time someone throws one of these at you, give them a punch in the appendix from me.


1. “Your face will stay like that if the wind changes!”

Thanks for the heads up, but that’s genuinely just my face…

2. "Cheer up love, it's not that bad!"

Is that so? What if my entire family has just been wiped out in a freak explosion? What if I’ve just been diagnosed with an incurable lymphoma? What if I’ve accidentally just deleted an unwatched episode of Downton Abbey from my SkyPlanner and it’s no longer available on catch-up?! TROT ON PAL.

3. "You're with him? You can do better. You should leave him for me."

Oh my gosh you’re right, I totally sold out marrying a hilarious, 6’4, dark haired, green eyed doctor who loves me unconditionally. Let’s go back to your mould-ridden shared student room and live the dream.

4. "You're with him? You've done alright for yourself haven't you!"

+5 points for appreciating my husband’s awesomeness. -5 points for implying he’s out of my league.

5. "I'm not ordering any food, I'll just have some of yours."

We are no longer friends.

6. "You putting a face on before you go out?"

Honey, I could go out wearing a mask of raw turkey giblets and I would still be the most fabulous piece in the place.

7. "Your kids were born so close together. Was the second one planned?"

Seriously, what am I supposed to say to this? “No ‘the second one’ was an awful surprise. Ideally we would have terminated, but by the time we found out I was pregnant he’d passed his abort-by date’? Mind yo business.

8."You be careful with that baby!"

So glad you said something. I totes forgot that holding my son by the ankle and swinging him lassoo-style round my head is frowned upon as a burping technique.

9. "You look so skinny! Well done you!"

No doubt this is completely well intentioned, but was my post-pregnancy size 12 physique really so repellent? Yikes.

10. "We both know the only reason you won't go on a date with me is because you're afraid of how attracted you are to me."

Wow. That’s me busted. I think it’s your humility and concrete grasp of reality that I find most irresistible.

11. "Bet you're a real dirty bunny. I can tell."

Oh you. Nothing charms a lady quite like telling her she gives off a major skank vibe.

Any to add? Share with the class and we'll seethe together.