It’s the thought that counts, but not all gifts are created equal... Here's a handy guide to choosing a present that parents will thank you for - and not just out of politeness
1. Sleeping Bag
All new parents are paranoia-stricken hot damn messes when it comes to putting their babies down for the night.
“What if a cloud of nitrogen silently sneaks its way into his room and disrupts the chemical composition of the air?”
“What if she gets too clammy and drowns in a puddle of her own sweat?”
“What if a large bird of prey glides in through an open window, scoops him up and raises him as its own?”
- merely a few of the totally legit ponderings that occur to first (and second and third) time baby raisers. One thing that makes night time a little less stressful (especially in colder months) are teenytiny sleeping bags like this:
They help babies feel snuggly and cozy while eliminating the parental stress of worrying about the fatal hypothermia they’ll contract from kicking their covers off during the night.
2. Bouncer Chair
In marathon running there is a phenomenon referred to as ‘hitting the wall’ - a period of fatigue so intense it feels like your body has turned 100% defector and is manifesting its open hatred towards you by secretly swapping your limbs with those of a paraplegic elephant. This phenomenon is also common to parenthood at around the 36 hour mark. At this point your body will decide a definitive ‘nope nope nope’ to the endless bouncing, rocking, patting and parading required to keep a freshly born human appeased. Give them a bouncer chair. For the love of all that is good, give those poor parents a bouncer chair and 10 minutes relief. Whether it’s an all singing, all dancing, self propelling, airport-style massage chair number like this one:
Or a modest, mildly buzzy little manual rocker like this one:
The relief is intense. Gratitude guaranteed.
3. Boys/Girls Nightie
Ah the dreaded nighttime nappy change. Baby pajamas are 24 cutesy inches of popper hell - specifically designed to drive the already fraught parent properly over the edge. Correctly aligning poppers in the semi-dark is a bit like being on Crystal Maze, except instead of winning an adventure holiday you win 30 mins of silence and a brief nap. Should you fail to complete the task before your child is properly awake however, you will be penalised with the dreaded ‘scream-poop’ lock down in which you are caught in a neverending cycle of your child shrieking maniacally until exhausted and then immediately farting themselves awake again. This can be sidestepped with a popper-free sleepsuit nightie from Lucy & Sam. There are millions of adorable, totally useless outfits on the market, but this is one is a newborn essential.
Shop here: http://lucy-sam.myshopify.com/
4. Ribbon Rings
‘Something colourful and shiny I can shake about like a demented baton twirler and safely stuff in my mouth? Sign me up!’ - said every baby ever. Ok this is a shameless plug as I know the person who makes these (c’est moi!). But that also means I can testify they are made of 100% organic maplewood and tummy safe beeswax and that small humans do properly love them (mine do anyway - even two years on). Stock is running low, but you can check ‘em out here https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/TheLittleRibbonShop.
5. JellyCat Soft Toys
“Oh a little teddy! How adorable!”. Hah, you’d think so, but after 24 hours with a baby that badboy will be more basted in bodily fluids than a Sunday roast. Rabbit, hippo, unicorn - it mattereth not. You stick a batch of soft toys in the washer/dryer and they’ll come out the other end looking like a drowned rat. JellyCat teddies are different. They withstand endless washings and still come out feeling soft, fluffy and looking shop fresh. And there are hundreds of gorgeous ones to choose from, thus satisfying my inner 5 year old http://www.jellycat.com/
6. Muslins
You’d be forgiven for thinking this is a really lame ass present (“A packet of rags? Oh you naughty thing, you really are spoiling us!”), but they are seriously the most useful gift ever. Aside from the standard baby-related uses (bodily fluid mop, nappy mat, lampshade, sunshade, comforter, blanket, chew toy, boob shield, stink wafter) they can be used for a ton of other stuff - a shield when ironing delicate clothing, a sieve when making homemade paneer and a prop whilst performing the dance of the seven veils (partic' useful when you're angling for your partner to consent to yet another night of ordering dinner in). We once burned through 12 in a day, so you can never have too many. The slightly bigger ones are better in my opinion and you can't beat a nautical print -
7. Fabric Books
TRUE FACT: children are referred to as ‘kids’ because the spirit animal of every human baby is a disgruntled hungry goat. If your baby doesn’t have an obsession with eating books/toiletpaper/anything tree based, secure yourself in your bathroom and contact the authorities. You are a victim of alien impregnation.
Babies love to get their hands on a book, but their literal appetite for the written word makes a copy of Shakespeare’s sonnets somewhat impractical. Fabric books are the bessst. Impervious to toothless wonders and you can shove them in the washing machine following their inevitable baptism by faecal matter. Bought this one for my kid awhile back and I'm devastated they’ve stopped making them before I could acquire Jules Verne’s entire back catalogue... (Heaven forbid my two year old should become a fan of Spot the Dog...) But yeah, plenty of alternatives to be found on t’internet.
8. Something just for the Parents
Tiny Gucci slingbacks are cute and everything, but at 4am on your fifth consecutive night of 2 hours sleep you would quite happily trade in your offspring’s (adorable but superfluous) 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th pair of £60 designer booties for a tube of Smarties and a sixpack of Red Bull. In short, forgo the microfashion in favour of a gift that makes parental life less brutal. Buy them cake. Buy them poop-blasting scented candles. Buy them takeaway vouchers and dry shampoo and anything with enough caffeine in it to wake the recently dead (Cooking from scratch? Lol. Daily showers? Lol. ‘Make sure you’re getting enough rest!” Looooooool). Happy parent = happy baby.
 |
| A chocolate fudge cake a day keeps the babyblues away. |
And finally,
2 BABY GIFTS YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BUY.
1. Bath Crayons
When half of my relatives bought my children bath crayons for Christmas I thought ‘Brilliant! Mess that’s confined to the a room full of wipeable surfaces? What's not to love?'. Ha. I don't care how bright your baby is, "darling, it's fine to draw on this wall, but if you draw on a wall anywhere else in the house, mummy will have a meltdown" is not an instruction any child under 3 will assimilate (or will admit to assimilating anyway...).
2. Anything that makes an unholy amount of noise.
Buying a baby a noisy toy is like sending your IBS-suffering kid off on a school trip with a packed lunch of baked beans and chicken vindaloo. It’s just not the done thing. Babies are professional noise makers so, as they say, ‘leave it to the professionals’.
 |
| If your kid looks like this, then they won't be the only one screaming. |
If you have any wisdom/recommendations of your own to add, leave you know what to do!
vvv comment section, ahem vvv
